Whine Country

I live in whine country. In fact I like to think of myself as a whine connoisseur. Believe it or not, it takes alot of practice and thought to develop good whine skill and technique. For those of you who have not put the time into learning what constitutes a superlative whine let me give you some simple tips.

The chime of good crystal-Be aware of your voice modulation. You do not want to be so annoying you lose your audience before you get your message across. Avoid the high pitch of the historically traditional whine. Remember any whine is more palatable when presented in a classy container.

Color-Do not color, or embellish on the cause of a good whine. If a thing is worth complaining about it should strike a sympathetic chord in your audience. You can demonstrate sincere outrage if you feel it, but temper it with a show of tolerance. People will be more likely to identify with a martyr than a tyrant. Martyrdom has a touch of nobility.

Age-Make sure you do not carry on too long when you are into a good whine. You can turn a valid observation into vinegar if you harp on it too long. Your audience’s ears will curdle like the tongue of a taster faced with a bottle of red well past its prime.

Nose-Whatever you are complaining about had better be true. There are people who can sniff out truth and you don’t want to ruin any chance you have of future credibility. Heaven knows, there is enough reality to kvetch about. If you run out of ideas, call me. We’ll do lunch.

Body-All complaints are about a matter of good taste. The only definition of good taste that counts in every instance is your own. If a thing doesn’t fit my definition of good taste, I will tell you about it. I am not shy about voicing my opinion which I know is always correct. Just ask me.

Temperature-Stay cool. Your listener will shy away if your whine begins to sound like an anger-rant. Besides if you get over-excited and too emotionally involved, your thinking is not clear enough to come up with the really killer adjectives for the object of your dissatisfaction. Nothing is worse than having a brain cramp in the middle of a scathing review. It could damage your street cred.

Vintage-Make sure the topic of your whine is current. There is nothing worse than harping about an issue that is so past tense no one could do anything to affect the outcome it reached. Let sleeping dogs lie, stop beating a dead horse, that thing about open barn doors, and other barnyard metaphors all apply here. Although there have been some classic scenarios that beg to be constantly rehashed, we owe it to ourselves and others to explore new territory.

Legs-An exceptional whine has a substantial texture. In other words, it could almost stand alone as a story. With a complaint you already have a villain built in and we know who the hero is.

Finish and Length-Finish is the feeling the whine leaves, and length is the amount of time that feeling stays with you. Choose your words carefully. If a whine has a long length and the finish was like “It’s a Wonderful Life”, that’s great, but if we are talking finish and length like “Texas Chainsaw Massacre”, forget about it. Few will have the stomach for it and chances are those that do will not be the kind of people you will find particularly beneficial.

I hope you find this to be a helpful whine guide. Keep it in mind at your next whine tasting. One must always be prepared.