Gay Marriage

When I first heard there was a big uproar about “Gay Marriages” I asked myself “Why”? In such an idyllic setting as this valley we should have a plethora of gay marriages. Doesn’t it just create the picture in your mind of a happy couple romping through meadows of daisies and mustard with butterflies flitting about their heads and chirping bluebirds seated on their shoulders. A cross word never issues from their lips because you could never be cross with perfection. They are absolutely giddy with love for each other as they exchange moony looks (emphasis on the moo).

Think of the married people you know. Could the phrase “gay marriage” describe the joining of any of them? This stage usually lasts for the first three weeks of a relationship, unless we are dealing with saints, people with impaired judgment systems, or individuals that are just plain slow. I mean anyone who has ever been married can see this is an oxymoron when we talk about marriages these days. I’ve heard there is a failure rate of 63% for first time marriages today, and the failure rate is even higher if it is the second time around.

The word “gay” is so 1890’s as an adjective anyway. Wouldn’t it be more current to call them “happy marriages”, or “successful marriages of light temperament”? There are so many serious issues to get excited about now-a-days, why get bothered about such trivialities? We should be pleased to see couples coexisting in wedded bliss. Why would anyone be foolish enough to want to prevent such unions……

What? What are you saying? Use the modern, revamped definition? Oops—well, that is different. Let me readjust here. It does bring a different picture to mind, but I must admit—I still don’t get it. I mean-spare the law, and spoil the gay person, People! Why should there be a whole segment of the population that is denied a painful societal rite of passage that seems to naturally follow marriage—the divorce?

It gives life a sense of stability to have your relationships sanctified by a ceremony endorsed by the religion of your choice. Just as a real sense of closure is provided to have that same union dissolved (read trashed) by the popularly elected government. Thus the separation of Church and State, one gets you hitched-one gets you split.

Think about it-do you want them to miss the traditional ‘dividing of the assets’? “It was an engagement ring, not a retirement investment, Dog-breath.” “What are you going to do with extra-long golf clubs? Wear heels?” Ah, that’s an experience we all deserve, I’m sure.

If you would forbid gay persons that encounter, how about the ritual ‘splitting of debts held in common’? Imagine the thrill of reliving your married life one charge card debit at a time. Those are good times, friend. No increase of enmity there. What special dispensation was given to any segment of society that they should forego the dubious privileges of alimony wrangling, extravagant lawyer fees, prejudiced judges, and learning the ins and outs of an overburdened legal system?

Divorce is when you learn the true mettle of the person to whom you were married. Any delusions you may still be holding of benevolent traits that your ex-spouse possessed are ruthlessly ripped away like removing the wrapper from a chocolate bar at the end of a bad day (the faster-the better). She drops that extra twenty pounds she’d put on since the wedding miraculously fast. He starts the proceedings to get the alimony cut off before the ink is dry on the divorce papers. It is a good and healthy thing to have full clarity restored to your life. It can keep you from making stupid, life-altering mistakes in the future.

Perhaps to restore marriage to the hallowed place it once occupied in America we should follow the example set for us by some leading citizens-- like politicians. Lets see, Rudy Guliani-no, Newt Gingrich-no, Bill Clinton-no. Okay, how about religious leaders, Jim Baker-no, Jimmy Swaggert-no, the Pope-lack of experience. We won’t even waste our time to go entertainment icons. The success stories are to few and far between.

I guess until marriage is once again treated like a big-deal, important, binding ceremony in our society it shouldn’t be such a worrisome thing who does it. I say good luck to you who want to try it. You’ll need it.