I don’t know exactly where Printer Hell would be located in Dante’s Inferno, but I imagine it’s in a little side room off of Computer Hell, which is located in a cubicle in Office Machine Hell, a large department in the level of Business Hell, a corporate entity inside of Work Hell. Work Hell has to belong in the Fourth Circle with greed, or as it’s known in the classics—Avarice. That is, of course, if logic holds up in Hell.
Even though I’m not sure exactly how I got here, I am currently residing in Printer Hell. Printers have much more power than we give them credit for. A printer on the fritz can radically upset a person’s life. My printer has had me on the floor, my arms outstretched to the current bane of my existence, doing my impression of Nancy Kerrigan. “Why...Why...,” I wail, knowing all the while this hunk of technology is not moved at all by my obvious distress. You’d think they could sprinkle in a little Artificial Compassion to go with the Artificial Intelligence. Would a little “I’m sorry,” sound effect when the error light goes on be too much to ask for?
I find it interesting how the non-operation of a mechanical device I never even imagined owning in my youth could so completely bring my life to a standstill now. I come from the age of the mimeograph machine in grammar school. I used to love the smell of a freshly mimeographed handout, and wondered why they always felt cold for no apparent reason. Kids nowadays don’t even know the wonderful sense memories associated with printing and copying they are missing out on. High school had the gunshot report of the Selectric Typewriter and if you needed a copy, the slick feel of the carbon paper and the purple smudges it left on your fingers. Ah, memories.
My printer now fulfills my print and copy needs, plus more, quietly and odorlessly. I’ve using an HP three-in-one that also acts as a Fax machine. So far I’m thinking the more conveniences they can build into one machine, the further it leaves you up $%#& Creek when it malfunctions. I have tried all the simple fixes recommended by my computer guy. I’ve unplugged the USB cable and left it for between 2 minutes and overnight before re-plugging. No joy. I disconnected the power cord for like intervals and the printer ignored it. I’ve even tried holding a screw driver in full view and making threatening statements: I’m going to wrinkle every sheet of paper you ever see again, you’ll never get a new, full ink cartridge when you ask for it, and printers have been gutted for less. Not even a bead of sweat.
I tried bribing my computer guy to come deal with the demon component. He flatly refused. I tried every fix I found on the HP website and elsewhere on the Internet. The only development was an intermittent freezing of the fix-it programs I downloaded. Insult on top of the injury technology had already dealt me.
I have never been anything, but kindness itself to that dratted machine. I feed it a diet of uninterrupted electricity. I give it only brand-name professionally-loaded ink cartridges to use in its work. I unplug it on days when weather threatens its health with lightening strikes, blackouts and the like. It is as spoiled and pampered as an inanimate object can be. Does it make sense that it wants to hurt me?
You know, the weather conditions in Hell aren’t ideal: there’s the heat, the humidity from the boiling water and oil, the dust kicked up by the various dirt tortures, etc., etc.—not at all conducive to the operation of delicate, mechanical devices. The paperwork has to be overwhelming, making sure all those sinners are getting their just desserts. They can’t afford breakdowns. I doubt the devil suffers excuses.
I wonder how I can find out what kind of printer Beelzebub is using.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Friday, March 6, 2009
Gay Marriage
When I first heard there was a big uproar about “Gay Marriages” I asked myself “Why”? In such an idyllic setting as this valley we should have a plethora of gay marriages. Doesn’t it just create the picture in your mind of a happy couple romping through meadows of daisies and mustard with butterflies flitting about their heads and chirping bluebirds seated on their shoulders. A cross word never issues from their lips because you could never be cross with perfection. They are absolutely giddy with love for each other as they exchange moony looks (emphasis on the moo).
Think of the married people you know. Could the phrase “gay marriage” describe the joining of any of them? This stage usually lasts for the first three weeks of a relationship, unless we are dealing with saints, people with impaired judgment systems, or individuals that are just plain slow. I mean anyone who has ever been married can see this is an oxymoron when we talk about marriages these days. I’ve heard there is a failure rate of 63% for first time marriages today, and the failure rate is even higher if it is the second time around.
The word “gay” is so 1890’s as an adjective anyway. Wouldn’t it be more current to call them “happy marriages”, or “successful marriages of light temperament”? There are so many serious issues to get excited about now-a-days, why get bothered about such trivialities? We should be pleased to see couples coexisting in wedded bliss. Why would anyone be foolish enough to want to prevent such unions……
What? What are you saying? Use the modern, revamped definition? Oops—well, that is different. Let me readjust here. It does bring a different picture to mind, but I must admit—I still don’t get it. I mean-spare the law, and spoil the gay person, People! Why should there be a whole segment of the population that is denied a painful societal rite of passage that seems to naturally follow marriage—the divorce?
It gives life a sense of stability to have your relationships sanctified by a ceremony endorsed by the religion of your choice. Just as a real sense of closure is provided to have that same union dissolved (read trashed) by the popularly elected government. Thus the separation of Church and State, one gets you hitched-one gets you split.
Think about it-do you want them to miss the traditional ‘dividing of the assets’? “It was an engagement ring, not a retirement investment, Dog-breath.” “What are you going to do with extra-long golf clubs? Wear heels?” Ah, that’s an experience we all deserve, I’m sure.
If you would forbid gay persons that encounter, how about the ritual ‘splitting of debts held in common’? Imagine the thrill of reliving your married life one charge card debit at a time. Those are good times, friend. No increase of enmity there. What special dispensation was given to any segment of society that they should forego the dubious privileges of alimony wrangling, extravagant lawyer fees, prejudiced judges, and learning the ins and outs of an overburdened legal system?
Divorce is when you learn the true mettle of the person to whom you were married. Any delusions you may still be holding of benevolent traits that your ex-spouse possessed are ruthlessly ripped away like removing the wrapper from a chocolate bar at the end of a bad day (the faster-the better). She drops that extra twenty pounds she’d put on since the wedding miraculously fast. He starts the proceedings to get the alimony cut off before the ink is dry on the divorce papers. It is a good and healthy thing to have full clarity restored to your life. It can keep you from making stupid, life-altering mistakes in the future.
Perhaps to restore marriage to the hallowed place it once occupied in America we should follow the example set for us by some leading citizens-- like politicians. Lets see, Rudy Guliani-no, Newt Gingrich-no, Bill Clinton-no. Okay, how about religious leaders, Jim Baker-no, Jimmy Swaggert-no, the Pope-lack of experience. We won’t even waste our time to go entertainment icons. The success stories are to few and far between.
I guess until marriage is once again treated like a big-deal, important, binding ceremony in our society it shouldn’t be such a worrisome thing who does it. I say good luck to you who want to try it. You’ll need it.
Think of the married people you know. Could the phrase “gay marriage” describe the joining of any of them? This stage usually lasts for the first three weeks of a relationship, unless we are dealing with saints, people with impaired judgment systems, or individuals that are just plain slow. I mean anyone who has ever been married can see this is an oxymoron when we talk about marriages these days. I’ve heard there is a failure rate of 63% for first time marriages today, and the failure rate is even higher if it is the second time around.
The word “gay” is so 1890’s as an adjective anyway. Wouldn’t it be more current to call them “happy marriages”, or “successful marriages of light temperament”? There are so many serious issues to get excited about now-a-days, why get bothered about such trivialities? We should be pleased to see couples coexisting in wedded bliss. Why would anyone be foolish enough to want to prevent such unions……
What? What are you saying? Use the modern, revamped definition? Oops—well, that is different. Let me readjust here. It does bring a different picture to mind, but I must admit—I still don’t get it. I mean-spare the law, and spoil the gay person, People! Why should there be a whole segment of the population that is denied a painful societal rite of passage that seems to naturally follow marriage—the divorce?
It gives life a sense of stability to have your relationships sanctified by a ceremony endorsed by the religion of your choice. Just as a real sense of closure is provided to have that same union dissolved (read trashed) by the popularly elected government. Thus the separation of Church and State, one gets you hitched-one gets you split.
Think about it-do you want them to miss the traditional ‘dividing of the assets’? “It was an engagement ring, not a retirement investment, Dog-breath.” “What are you going to do with extra-long golf clubs? Wear heels?” Ah, that’s an experience we all deserve, I’m sure.
If you would forbid gay persons that encounter, how about the ritual ‘splitting of debts held in common’? Imagine the thrill of reliving your married life one charge card debit at a time. Those are good times, friend. No increase of enmity there. What special dispensation was given to any segment of society that they should forego the dubious privileges of alimony wrangling, extravagant lawyer fees, prejudiced judges, and learning the ins and outs of an overburdened legal system?
Divorce is when you learn the true mettle of the person to whom you were married. Any delusions you may still be holding of benevolent traits that your ex-spouse possessed are ruthlessly ripped away like removing the wrapper from a chocolate bar at the end of a bad day (the faster-the better). She drops that extra twenty pounds she’d put on since the wedding miraculously fast. He starts the proceedings to get the alimony cut off before the ink is dry on the divorce papers. It is a good and healthy thing to have full clarity restored to your life. It can keep you from making stupid, life-altering mistakes in the future.
Perhaps to restore marriage to the hallowed place it once occupied in America we should follow the example set for us by some leading citizens-- like politicians. Lets see, Rudy Guliani-no, Newt Gingrich-no, Bill Clinton-no. Okay, how about religious leaders, Jim Baker-no, Jimmy Swaggert-no, the Pope-lack of experience. We won’t even waste our time to go entertainment icons. The success stories are to few and far between.
I guess until marriage is once again treated like a big-deal, important, binding ceremony in our society it shouldn’t be such a worrisome thing who does it. I say good luck to you who want to try it. You’ll need it.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Eating Crow
I sit here, a large letter “L” emblazoned on my forehead, fork in one hand, knife in the other, eagerly awaiting a certain meal. My choice of cuisine may not be considered delectable by many, but it will be a feast to celebrate to me. It is the meal I wish for with all my heart after the 2008 Presidential Election—a steaming, heaping plate of crow.
All of my friends know my political leanings; I am a hard core, diehard, unrepentant, middle-of-the-road Conservative. I espouse the tenets of common sense, compromise, and affiliation with the person, not the party. I have tried to remain open-minded and reasonable my whole voting life. I never have quite been able to fathom why I have ended up carrying this “L” after every election, but I have come to realize it’s not all bad.
I know the “L” shows up because very few of the people I voted for won, or proposition’s outcomes turned out the way I wanted them to. My confusion results because I can’t see how so many so-called rational adults can disagree with me.
Yes, I’m disappointed listening to the elections results, but in the long run I’ve always had the last laugh. It’s not my candidate facing indictment. My choice never got caught receiving too much in gifts or kickbacks from lobbyists, breaking laws faster than he could enact them, trying to squeeze excessive pork from the barrel. This is not to say he wouldn’t be as crooked as the next politician if he’d won, but since I’ve been on the losing side seven times out of ten, we’ll never know for sure, so I can bask in the illusion of the unknowable, and hope and pretend my choices were the most rare characters of the type—the honest politician.
Even after all the practice I’ve had, I can’t say I’m a particularly good loser, but I’m trying extra hard this time. The reason I’m cutting our new President more slack than usual is I think at this juncture he has been elected to the worst job in the country. The economic situation currently sucks big time, and as the United States goes, so goes the world. Just a few of the related problems: unemployment is skyrocketing, crime is on the increase, the quality of public education is plummeting, you name it and the situation looks bleak. Does anybody think our Mr. President is going to look especially used and abused in four years?
I must admit I’m not yet impressed by his first few days in office. I am more than a little disturbed by his choices of people to surround himself with, but I knew that before he took the oath. Didn’t anybody else recognize more than a few of those faces from CNN and 60 Minutes as persons being given credit for engineering our current economic woes? Sometimes I think most Americans are afflicted by a couple of syndromes I like to call MA & PA.
MA stands for Monetary Alzheimer’s and PA is the acronym for Political Alzheimer’s. Everybody knows those two are often in bed together, so I guess the public’s convenient memories shouldn’t surprise me.
I didn’t expect his first policy announcement to be one that I think makes the U.S. more vulnerable to terrorist attack, the closing of Guantanamo Bay Prison, but that’s just supposition on my part at this point. I’m not going to set my opinion in mental cement for the first year, or the first big event, be it pro or con.
So, until that point I’ll just make this plea. Please, President Obama, do great things for this country that will force me to admit I’ve judged you incorrectly. I know the Dove is the bird usually associated with an olive branch, but in this case I think I’ll use the olive branch as garnish on my dish of Crow. I’ll season it with my spicy anti-you words, and cover with a conciliatory sauce of apologetic rhetoric.
I hope crow tastes like chicken. I wonder if I’ll find out in the next, say, 4 to 8 years.
All of my friends know my political leanings; I am a hard core, diehard, unrepentant, middle-of-the-road Conservative. I espouse the tenets of common sense, compromise, and affiliation with the person, not the party. I have tried to remain open-minded and reasonable my whole voting life. I never have quite been able to fathom why I have ended up carrying this “L” after every election, but I have come to realize it’s not all bad.
I know the “L” shows up because very few of the people I voted for won, or proposition’s outcomes turned out the way I wanted them to. My confusion results because I can’t see how so many so-called rational adults can disagree with me.
Yes, I’m disappointed listening to the elections results, but in the long run I’ve always had the last laugh. It’s not my candidate facing indictment. My choice never got caught receiving too much in gifts or kickbacks from lobbyists, breaking laws faster than he could enact them, trying to squeeze excessive pork from the barrel. This is not to say he wouldn’t be as crooked as the next politician if he’d won, but since I’ve been on the losing side seven times out of ten, we’ll never know for sure, so I can bask in the illusion of the unknowable, and hope and pretend my choices were the most rare characters of the type—the honest politician.
Even after all the practice I’ve had, I can’t say I’m a particularly good loser, but I’m trying extra hard this time. The reason I’m cutting our new President more slack than usual is I think at this juncture he has been elected to the worst job in the country. The economic situation currently sucks big time, and as the United States goes, so goes the world. Just a few of the related problems: unemployment is skyrocketing, crime is on the increase, the quality of public education is plummeting, you name it and the situation looks bleak. Does anybody think our Mr. President is going to look especially used and abused in four years?
I must admit I’m not yet impressed by his first few days in office. I am more than a little disturbed by his choices of people to surround himself with, but I knew that before he took the oath. Didn’t anybody else recognize more than a few of those faces from CNN and 60 Minutes as persons being given credit for engineering our current economic woes? Sometimes I think most Americans are afflicted by a couple of syndromes I like to call MA & PA.
MA stands for Monetary Alzheimer’s and PA is the acronym for Political Alzheimer’s. Everybody knows those two are often in bed together, so I guess the public’s convenient memories shouldn’t surprise me.
I didn’t expect his first policy announcement to be one that I think makes the U.S. more vulnerable to terrorist attack, the closing of Guantanamo Bay Prison, but that’s just supposition on my part at this point. I’m not going to set my opinion in mental cement for the first year, or the first big event, be it pro or con.
So, until that point I’ll just make this plea. Please, President Obama, do great things for this country that will force me to admit I’ve judged you incorrectly. I know the Dove is the bird usually associated with an olive branch, but in this case I think I’ll use the olive branch as garnish on my dish of Crow. I’ll season it with my spicy anti-you words, and cover with a conciliatory sauce of apologetic rhetoric.
I hope crow tastes like chicken. I wonder if I’ll find out in the next, say, 4 to 8 years.
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