Getting Published

I always thought the hardest part of getting a book published would be writing the book. Silly me. How naïve could I be? That’s the easy part. Any wannabe author can put a pen to paper and write a book. All it takes is an over-active imagination, a healthy ego, and a super-sized streak of stubbornness. The problem is the world of publishers and agents can wear down even the most pigheaded, self-centered, daydreamer among us.

We can get an instant feeling of where a phrase ranks on the scale of 1 to 10 in do-ability. Take out the garbage—easily doable, I’ll give it a ten. Climb Mount Everest—not easily doable for most, I will rank it at a two. Walking on the moon—don’t hold your breath, this is not something you will be doing anytime soon. I’ll give it a generous .000000001. Getting your book published ranks somewhere between Everest and the moon; I’d give it a 1.3. Not impossible as evidenced by the contents of the neighborhood bookstore and the library, but not as easy as it sounds.

Before we continue let me clarify a couple of points. First-if you have written a non-fiction book and had it published, stop risking permanent injury to your arm patting yourself feverishly on the back, because it is much easier to get a non-fiction book published. Why? It’s beyond me. I avoid reading non-fiction whenever possible. It reminds me too much of all those years in school when I was forced to read books because of their content and not their entertainment value. Books that are valued for their content are usually about “real life”. If I want “real life”, I’ll watch the news. “Real life” is not as much fun as “unreal life”. “Unreal life” is the realm of imagination, improbability, and wishful thinking. “Unreal life” is why I’m a Trekkie at heart. It’s a lifestyle.

Second-if you self-published you opted out of the publishing struggle. You just proved you had enough money to thumb your nose at the establishment. I say—Bully for you! I should be so lucky. I thumb my nose at the powerful publishers, but I have yet to have anybody notice. All I achieved until now is a dent in my proboscis my thumb fits into, and a jammed finger when I stood too close to the wall while griping.

I have many, many rejection letters. I have learned a valuable lesson from these missives. I can say no to anyone in the most polite language around. Whoever writes these letters is a master of the feather-light let-down. I wish I had known this technique when I was dating. “Dear (insert name here), This date was wonderful and very promising; however it did not strike the proper chord to fulfill what I am looking for at the moment. Please, feel free to call me in the future if you change yourself completely. Thank you for attempting to entertain me and good luck in your future dating efforts.”

I comfort myself, whenever a new rejection letter shows up, with the knowledge that the likes of Margaret Mitchell (Gone With the Wind) who submitted that book getting rejection after rejection for eighteen years, and most notably lately J. K. Rowling (Harry Potter), whose books have made her richer than the Queen of England were rejected numerous times. I spend time picturing the editors that rejected them explaining the logic behind the refusals to their (soon-to-be-former) higher ups. I sincerely hope I am the subject of just such a job-justification some day.

It seems the shortest way to success in the literary field these days is to get read and then endorsed by our neighbor-over-the-hill, Oprah Winfrey. I have even investigated this road to princess-of-pulp and found a catch-22 that stopped me as effectively as the proverbial brick wall. Oprah cannot help writers get published because the book must be published before she will read it. Bummer. Completely understandable, but bummer nonetheless.

I know, through membership in the valley’s premier writing group (if I do say so myself), that there are numerous wannabe-authors in this valley. I want to encourage all of you in your writing endeavors, unless my book is rejected because the publishing company fulfilled its quota of unsolicited-manuscript-development with your book. In such case, I suggest you take up gardening and leave the writing to those of us delusional, ego-centric, obsessive-compulsives that truly need the validation.

I promise to continue my support in your new vocation. My, what beautiful Petunias!